How to Hook Up with a Stripper

Hello. I'm be_gully, and I'm here to help get you laid. When I'm not doing that, I'm writing for The Edukatorz, a blog that seeks to educate, and True Genius Requires Insanity. In my role as an Edukator, I'm known as Beaker. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who also contributes advice here about getting you laid, is the other Edukator. We'll both be writing here whenever we think of really good advice about getting you laid. If you need advice about anything else (and sometimes getting laid, too, but you'll also see those posts here, like today's), visit us at The Edukatorz.

To many men, taking home a stripper is a fantasy. It makes sense: she's been there all night, right in front of you, doing all the right things to turn you on, but she's fundamentally untouchable. That's a recipe to drive you nuts over her. Between your desperation, her seeing this crap from men every day, and the grumpy bouncer, it's a nearly impossible task. Luckily, The Edukatorz are here to help make your fantasy a reality.*

1. Understand: You Are the Alpha Male
First off, you gotta fix your attitude. This could not be more important. Strip clubs are full of drunken frat boys being assholes (they should really read The Edukatorz), desperate old men, and groups of guys out on the town blowing their paycheck on a good time. None of these are a good look on you. If you walk in there with confidence instead of arrogance or nervousness, you are automatically one step up from everyone else in there. Seriously, just watch the Dog Whisperer. It's good life advice generally, but especially for this. Where else is humanity more like a pack of dogs than the strip club?

NB: It might seem obvious, but it's important to point out. Dressing well is going to make a great impression and a big difference in the whole process. Look to Barney Stinson, Neil Patrick Harris’s character on the show How I Met Your Mother and suit up!

2. Become a Strip Club VIP
Choose your favorite local club. Start going there all the time. Spend your money, but you don't need to go crazy. Throwing 20s around is going to make you like you have something to prove (see step 1). Be friendly with all the strippers, introduce yourself to everyone, joke around with the bouncer. Figure out who the owner is and compliment his club, make him laugh, and next time make him remember your name. It's the same way you become a favored regular at any bar, really. Just make sure you follow the basic rules for behavior at the club, and you'll be surprised how soon the bouncer is giving you the best table and the dancers are going out of the way to introduce themselves to your friends.

3. Choose Your Girl Early... and Ignore Her
Nothing annoys women like being ignored, and when they're naked, it's almost offensive. Don't be rude - you don't want to cross that line into actually offensive territory or you're never getting close. Just keep aloof. Flirt with a different girl and maybe buy a lapdance. If your girl's one of the ones you've become friendly with and she comes over, say hi, just seem preoccupied (there should be plenty to be distracting you on stage behind her). Basically, you're not looking to insult your girl, just get her to pay attention to you and wonder why you aren't into her.

4. Seek Her Out
You'll know when you've ignored her long enough. After you've caught her looking in your direction from across the club, it's time to change tactic. Next time she's on stage, walk right up with a 10-dollar bill. She'll smile, and all the doubts you'd given her- whether you don't like her, whether she's doing something wrong - will be removed. When she realizes that you're giving her a ten instead of a dollar or two, she'll be curious about why.

5. Talk to Her
After that treatment, she is guaranteed to come sit down with you. From there, it's all on you. This is the same as any conversation with a girl you like. She has gone from unattainable exotic dancer to woman sitting at your table and talking. So make sure you act like it. Ask her questions about herself. Get to know her. Ask her out. Most clubs won't let the dancers go home with customers, and you don't want to ruin the reputation you've made at your club, but ask what her day off is. And then, you can hook up with a stripper.

It's that easy. Now, get thee to the bank, acquire many one-dollar bills, don your tie and go get 'em!

*This is a method learned from the unnamed master of the Secret Order of Stripper Poon. It took many years to be inducted into the Order and learn its secrets. Unfortunately, some vows cannot be broken, and the highest secrets cannot be shared. However, this should put you on the right path. The rest is up to you.